turning points

Once upon a time, I found out that my dad was not actually my bio dad. I was about 35. And it was, well, I just can’t describe the feeling. I’d grown up loving my dad but always feeling something was off. I actually assumed my mother, who was a bit unstable (LOL), had an affair. Nope, turns out she was married to my bio dad. And my older brother and I were the result.

For 15 years, I proceeded to overthink and process what different people were telling me. I wrote letters and emails and never sent any of them. What if he didn’t want me? What if he didn’t respond? What if… So many what ifs. If you have anxiety, you know what I mean.

I did dna testing. And nothing. Then I tried the other popular test. I saw the match. I wrote more unsent messages. I had no idea what to say. I didn’t want to look stupid. Or Crazy. A few months later, on a Friday, I got an email. You have a new message from “DAD” in the app. I clicked without thinking. With my heart beating in my ears. He kept it simple, telling me that he was married to my mother when she had me and that he’d wondered about me all these 50 years. He took the leap that I couldn’t.

Cue more overthinking.

After some family discussion, I decided I would reply in the morning. But I couldn’t wait. I’d waited so long already. So without telling anyone, I sent him a quick message via the DNA site and the email he provided.

Just a quick note, ripping off the band-aid, giving him my phone number and asking if we can speak tomorrow. Oh. My. God.

I hit send and then showed it to my husband.

Awesome In-laws

We’ve all heard the stories, usually of the horror variety, regarding in-laws.  Many focus on the mother-in-law/daughter -in-law relationship.  I am so lucky! We live about 1 1/2 blocks from my in-laws. Not getting along would be a disaster.

At first, I was nervous.  My mother-in-law (MIL) and I are so different:

MIL- petite, religious (Catholic), friendly, sweet, kind, polite

Me- tall, big-boned, spiritual but not religious (Jewish), introverted, foul-mouthed

How would we ever get along?  In reality, our differences are less important than our actions.  We both respect others and their beliefs.  We both enjoy a spirited discussion knowing that opinions do not need to be laced with insults.

Most importantly, we both acknowledge that her son/my husband is not perfect.  That alone probably takes away much conflict.  You hear about so many MILs who think their child is perfect and put all blame on the spouse for every little thing.  She knows her son.  She knows that he is human and he makes mistakes.  She knows that he can be headstrong and stubborn and opinionated.  When I ask, she gives me advice on how to deal with him and my frustration with him.  I respect that she has been married for 45 years to a man who shares some of my husbands better traits as well as the more frustrating ones.  She has a lot to share.

And we share many values.  When I got married, we opted to have a priest and a rabbi.  I remember the priest, an old family friend, telling us that it was not important if our child was Jewish or Catholic.  It is important to raise our children with Judeo-Christian values.  At the core, I think all religions share the same values.  Even the 10 commandments can be broken down to Respect and Kindness.

She is amazing with my kids.  She doesn’t spoil them and always asks before she gives them treats. Even when I tell her that she can do what she wants at her house, she is very careful to not cross any lines.  She has taught them more about manners and respect, succeeding in places where I have failed.  She helps them with homework when I am ready to throw up the white flag in defeat. Her calmness is a perfect counterbalance to my crazy, stressed out, working mom persona. My in-laws are as much a part of my team as my husband is.

While I can’t tell you how to have a good relationship with your mother-in-law, I can say that you should try to find common ground.  Sometimes, that isn’t possible. Someday, I’ll tell you about my mother. And that is a whole different ball game.  (and a much longer entry)

Burnout

As I hit snooze for the 5th time that morning and asked myself what could possibly have gone wrong since I closed the laptop on work the night before, I realized that I was done.  I had logged over 12 hours per day for the past 2 weeks, I had spent no time with my son and his behavior showed it. My daughter was whiny and defiant. My husband was detached and probably a little afraid of me.  I had stopped responding to friends and family weeks(?) before. I was more withdrawn and reclusive than ever, even considering my introvertedness.

Why do we think we have to do it all?  Why do we push ourselves until we’re physically and mentally ill, then push further? Like most of us, I’ve read the articles.  I asked for help, but my boss did not listen. It’s a temporary spike, she said. But I’m drowning, I said. I’m dropping balls all over the place.  

And I cried. And I made more mistakes. My acid reflux was so bad that I vomited acid every night.  I snapped at my husband and kids.  Finally, when I started having panic attacks, I called the EAP.  They listened to me.  They suggested a counselor and referred me to a local therapist. They suggested I take a leave of absence.  I hesitated. I have a chronic illness and I have never taken a leave of absence. (I was once in ICU for 3 days, and returned to work 2 days after I was released.)  Now they want me to take leave for stress. What? I have too much to do. I don’t have time for a leave of absence.

A few days out of the office and I saw what I couldn’t before.  Hindsight, right?

And, here I am.  I am on leave. And I realize that everything is a mess.  Where do I start? The house? My psyche? My kids? My marriage? My other relationships? My career? I start this journey now.  I can’t wait to see where it takes me!